BEATING MYSELF UP FOR THE PAIN I’VE CAUSED pt. 1234

Hello olleH
I wish you weren’t here right now
As much as I’d wish you had been here always
When I couldn’t see my breaking strings
My pearly eyes
My boiling veins
Wish you could have showed me
I am perfect
Held up a mirror
To my curly head
So in your eyes I’d see I’m worth it
I wish you were so distant
That I couldn’t ever miss you
I wish these words
Can be sent with missiles
On the soul plane I have as many doves
As on Earth I have issues
With the inability to split my fist in two
The heart’s ego dismissal
Every morning
The ache is close to lethal
The burns and bruises
On my breaking bones from my own pistol
I curl and wish I could cry
Like the ‘normal’ ones do
But I’ve developed a fear of emotions
I can’t be myself since
I’ve been being you
To understand
Where you came from
What you’d gone through
And explain to myself
Why I still feel as I do
After what we’d gone through
Within the distance we’ve been enclosed to
My fake tears drop into the ocean
Of my distorted view
Zoom in, Zoom out
I’m forever in front, beside, behind you
Follow me
I follow you
In this circle
Lies our truth
One I cannot say
For it’s for no one else
But us two

Heritage of a nobody

The depth of my ocean has opened up

Again

Triggered by a memory

My father

In a cardigan

And a loving manner

That I rarely choose to remember

He once again

Hears

Sees

Listens

I thank him in my head

I bully myself

For not missing him

He offers me a drink

Bright green

And falls into his ways

Never again to be seen

It’s not even tomorrow yet

A few hours later I am so awake and so inspired. I am myself again, after almost two weeks of a dreamlike state.  It’s been a lesson. Let me be please

let me believe

in the self

as much as I believe in the lack of it

let me be

still

and empty

To experience all that comes

allow my love to be my earthly vessel

i am the pinnacle

of structure

the best of

 

 

Is everything else always going to feel sour?

I am writing this as to release an old paradigm, as I am my best listener and friend.

It’s been a long time in human timelines. Even more so in the dream time we keep spending together. On the surface nothing shows of what I’m going through. So I’ve been consciously trying to create circumstances that keep my inner knowing at bay so I can continue with my life.

I will always look for what I have already found. In that I have become a liar. I beat myself up for not listening to my heart. How can one fall back to their old ways when the rise was so hard? At times I wish I was never lucky enough. I want to cry but I can’t. I want to kiss like I did but I am physically unable to. I want to float on top of this life fountain and see you on the other side of my mirror like before. It’s been so long to even remember. I am a stranger to myself at that time. And now I am stranger to everyone I know cause I keep waking up and finding a new self every morning.

My body is also slowly changing. My centers are freaking out. On highly energetic days I feel like someone else infiltrating my physical to help me cross the level I’ve reached cause I still swim in my fear of being as powerful as I have realized to be.

And yet, I get there. And convince myself I am alone, still ‘in love with the sadness’ as my mirror used to say. Still lending my vessel to other people’s energy. Still. spending my love in a cacoon cause I have so much to give it scares me to ration it out. And when I emerge a butterfly, my wisdom will fly away with me to my home.

That home is so much stronger than before, it brings me to intangible fears sometimes what absence does. If only words could cover what’s happening I would write them all down. Scatter them across town. Hoping I would be free of my indecisive brain.

I know exactly where to go, what to do and how to. To save lives, mostly my own. Yet I am in my old ways – yearning for the hole that was never filled. The adventure of a lifetime that awaits the one who is free. Beating the same drum, so close to building a new melody and so afraid of my potential reaction to it.

My higher self laughs at my learning process and sends me off to a cabaret of beautiful dancers. One in particular, strongly voiced. I question myself-what is it I want? And I lie, and I lie and I am so surprised of how comfortable it makes me feel. I’ve always been here. Same predicament. Do I stand on this invisible ground or do I dive and become my fears?

And the answer is ‘Yes, everything is always going to feel sour until you mature and your tastebuds change’. To myself, my other self that hides in another body and our spirits, merging.

 

Reaching sanity after 24 years apart

On the 25th hour
Concluded, I,
Saw the mirror in the end
Though I was never not who I am
There laid gold my ego had kept from my tainted flame
A simple scripture, said ‘I IS TWO’ – a start also an end

Balance and chaos in a beautiful blend
Blessed for losing my bestest of friends
For in lack I conjured a faithful trend
For in forgiveness I built strength

Fast through the fire
Only had two lies to spend
One was solitude
The other my absence of consent

Emergence of my liquid nature
The abundance of my caustic scent
Allowed a warrior to fall through all
To be reborn and to ascend

Violet flame of transmutation
Meditation of two mortal hands
Brought back what’s always been mine
Pulled it from its sleeping state

The dance of nature is the one I now attend
Every moment, consciously
I am both my enemy and my friend
I am the active and the passive
The allowance and the suspend
The creator and the created
I am the ease I contend

And in my chair of such amends
For all and for myself
Simultaneously I fend
Frequencies new
With pain and pleasure I comprehend
Together, me as Gaia
In awe and in suspense
Of our next creation
Limitless and with the only aim
To expand
To be a lending hand
To star seeds and dimensionals
Illuminate the imminent beauty that impends

It is here, I am waving from the End
The Death of our ways old
The rebirth of truth
Once so pervertedly bent

It is now and it tastes so compound
It is of all elements
So fear not to append
For it’s within us to be able to transcend

Clench fists, be brave
We can mend
I promise I see it already
Each one to themselves attends
And with stupor and ambiguity
Each accordingly Godsend
Together in purpose and unity
I see it, dear friend, we  can mend.
 

 

 

 

Dipped and got away with it

Smile delicate
Cheeks relevant
Speaks in a present tense
Of his past fortunes
Favors them
Brave yet shy
And softly speaking
Delegate
Of an unknown spell
Selling it
Quite well
Swell in his avail
To excite
My many interests
His moves entail
A gracious thing
I can taste the smell of it
I love to be in his presence
And be me for the hell of it
I’d love to hear my name
Coming from his
Steady lips
Our radars lit
Undressing signals
To the sound of how our bodies fit
I sit but move
Stare while the space between transits
Unspoken words
Are fuller than the ones we said
No Romeo and Juliet
But a sultry spark
At its best

Lays down on me
Bares his chest
I wouldn’t dare call him beautiful
To his bewildering face
Praises subtle are our
Selves fully dressed
Touching on something
We once compressed

Reaches out hands to hug me
Bodies blessed
By an upcoming
Surge of sexy distress

I climb and give him a pull
Heading anywhere but west
There’s a fog out here
A movie
Without a dialogue or end
Splashing skins
Against our differences
conquering
Ourselves
Let our clocks
Check the distance and
Our complimentary endings blend
Distance is a test
This dance
One I won’t forget
Thank you dearly
Can I suggest
We be each other’s faithful pets
Yes you say?
I didn’t expect less
I have time for you
And space for your address
Book me in
Swap words
Books
Trends
Flesh
Next-a game of
Open chest chess.

 

Falling in love twice in one day: the aftermath of a Sunday

Lips pink, truth slips
Stares speak for ’em
Slow steady salivating 
For the lack of boredom
Politics are old
The rat race is snoring
up our sleeves
A dozen issues we are hoarding
Throat is clogging
Mouth is holding
Running-stopping
Coming-going
global
Positioning
Systems foreign
Character glittered
Soul golden
Baked and naked
Faked halfway
Sovereign
Boots wooden
Truth stolen
Dispositioned
Led loaded
Empty to be filled
Space bound
Folded
Hoppy
But Malty
Sexy
But
Common
Earthy
But leaving
Relating
But feeling
Nostalgic, uneven

Odd grid of bones fleeting
Spicy dressing on a plain evening
Cook to dress well
And Pay less
Tummy heaving
Societal pressure
Brain overrun
White plastic kettle
Steaming
normal is no longer an existing meaning

I am me
Me is I
We’re now even
Once a predator
Now an onion peeling
Layers of old skin
With every stroke
Of each season
It’s fashionable
To be on time
Stylish to have a reason
Selfless to embody purpose
And sexy to be
One
In which
Another
Can believe in

Whirlwind romance pt.2(idlewild)

For a spacious length of a second
I readjusted my hair and intentions
Played with my ideas
Thought of all the things I couldn’t do
And how much I’d like to do them
With someone (like you)

He knew of the impotency of time
He spoke of it often
In a way he found romantic
And that dramatic hurry
Is what turned me on most about him

The edge of our cliff was the edge of an island
And our evening
Was carved out like an egg white

Frightened

In a hot oily pan

I stick to my past quickly
Respectively, so does he
Just so we can assure we are re-enacting things
The ‘right way’ this time
First kiss is tricky but words flow easy
After they’ve been in each other’s mouths

I have no currency
Neither does my pauper prince
Just our charms and smiles
And our equally honest promises
To pay back what was free

We chose to be friendless
So exploit we did
On a small scale
But not for the sport
Just the dance of spirit
For the sake of romance
The sake of our ardor
Spun his umbrella from the handle
Up and down my waist
Walked changing pace
To favor me restless
Said things I’d only read before
And assured me he means them
By clapping and looking up to the starless sky

I laughed loud and lenghty
And made sure to balance my breath
With the reality I was facing
But soon we walked over
To the dark side of the clock
‘Next stop is the last train, love’
He needed to dive
With a sweet and salty goodbye
I cycled slowly away
Imagined his laughter
Filling up the carriage of lonelies
Fried up against a train seat
On a stale Sunday

I left to continue
To charm and disarm
But found my brain bringing him back
This is not what I’d set out to do
Not what I had in mind
But I felt free of judmedgent’s spicy delight
This dance was a winner’s one
These muscles tight
My stomach a bowl of laughter
My mouth – a broad sight

Deaf I observed
A beautiful man bellow bountiful ballads
Somehow my romance continued alone
Dancing slowly
Brave to be boundless
My single use beloved
Broke the hour of silence
By showing up at the door

Whirlwind or not
Wasted/wasteful or both
We strolled down what we wanted to find out
Was never to be whole
Without the melting away of our souls
Without denying our wicked goals
To get over a block of two bodies
The ones we loved most

So we sipped red tea in a robust morning
Cut of hot stone, yawning
Pushing and pulling
Fully admitting we were currently ghosts
Splitting the unfavourable cost
Of holding onto something lost
A slice of self once sealed in symbiosis
To a time we were one with the whirlwind
Yet not a glimpse
But a permanent hypnosis

Queen Pest-an old friend

Bodies clever,
Serpent-like
Hissing, shedding attire
Moulting cries
Here’s a suitcase
Light it on fire
Watch it burn our backs
Drunk on lust
Not sure about desire
Don’t censor me
My charm is
That I’m simple
Mouthy, dire
My orgasm is my horizon
My flesh is the outline
The body waves-an admonition
Dive and you’re mine
Inebriated
Mind raped and detained
Soak in your decisions
Weigh the misses and the takes
With pride not so heroic
I fuck you powerless
Another climax closer to death
Maybe we’re happy
Is this it? Purplexed
Head under the pillow
Into another’s body
I’d been swept
Thank you God
Yet another curse
With which I was blessed
To hold beauty immense
But to choke it vulgarly
A Queen Pest

space invasion

One year, it’s grown
Twelve months, two poles
Push-pull, overdose
Jump-fall, eyes closed
What will I do if it never came close
What will proceed if on its sleep I let it choke
I guess we’ll never know
The stars align, the river broke
The heavens played us both
Like old songs
Violins
Piano
Soulful folk
I was broke
Until your ring spoke
Endless
Speechless
Eyes misty
Egg yolks
Pan fried
Fork poked
Stale still
From what absence
Had evoked
Now
With a hand in my torso
Full of hope
Push me brave
I will wish you woke
My final stroke
Slow motioned
Provoked
By stars and shards
Of autumn’s cloak
Dance solo
Roll, drink, coke
A fort of knitwear bespoke
Silly, small
Our smiling eyes
Full of jokes
We laugh and move
We sleep, we cope
Absence revoked

Zoom in
Zoom out
Poke poke poke
Gunshot to the heads
So high
They didn’t croak