succulent

My friendship with myself
Is so
Broad
It lights up my room
Sets my hair on fire
And I just watch
Laugh
Masturbate
So bloody content
with myself

One could think it’s narcissistic
But I just like my dirty sheets
and my comfy socks
More than the uncomfort
Of outside space
Yes, interaction can be succulent too
But self-love is both
the giver and receiver
I am everything in a monologued
Love affair

Blissful
Hot on a tin roof
Back home
In my Earth shaped heart
Rocking my feet up and down
The azure sky

I kiss myself
I laugh at that too
It’s like I’m a self obsessed schizo
And neither of us
Have ever felt a love
So true

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short but bloated or tall but empty

Last poem was shit
took it off
embarrassing
To do work so bad
not sure if
quality over
quantity though
a lot is good
diversity good
space for mistakes yes
growth too
judgement is over
I’m no Bukowski
I can’t chain myself
To a way I should be
I’m just going to be
Whether I feel like it or not
I am free, I am free

Life around lunch

The ever-changing lunch space
the area so full of consent
that is relieving.
not a round table but
it comes around like every other cycle

Sometimes the silence is overpowering
Sometimes it gives you its power to think
Your sandwich is warm and feels old
Older than that Apple
The one that started it all
the nature of environment and its furniture
It falls apart every night when the lights go out
It builds itself again
When the first person comes in
In excitement to be seen again
To gather information the walls will tell
For centuries to come
Or until the next war

Half of your sandwich is down
You forgot to open your crisps
Maybe leave them for later
Is later coming
It seems you’re trapped in a moment of work
Forever
Until lunchtime
And all there is between work and lunchtime is the mindless walk
Do you breathe in that walk
Do you gather information too

For When work is over
As your crisps
Gather dust
Under the table
That collapses
And your second bit of sandwich
Is down your throat
Your belly protesting the bleached flour
And the dead meat
This can’t be all there is

For lunch

Spotless

Imagination
Banging my head
Biting my arms
Cutting my hair
Shouting my voice away
Crying out 70% water
30% flesh
Skin is ripping apart
Heart is trying to leave me
I wish it could
I wish I was dying sometimes
A finite line would be easy
than the depth of an infinite soul
I hate who we was
Before we met
Sad and asleep
With eyes full of hope
I fucking dried out of words
Tonight
Spare me my small life
Your inner movement
Is all I ever wish to live by
The worst is
My prince
I know you desperately
Heartbreakingly
Feel
The same
And ache the same
I don’t want to make the art
I realize I am it
It will be unfinished
Until we admit to being sinners

Imagination
I stab myself emotionally
Bully myself into a false belief
That I can kiss another
You are exactly me
And my body is likewise incomplete
My lips dry
Voice spitting out
Correctly
Cause it’s embedded with the loss of the past
When we don’t have to be
Nostalgia melancholy
My favorite thieves
I’m so hungry
For something that’s inside of me
Already I’ve locked you under key
In my brainwaves
Sleep, my soldier, sleep
I’ll sit on the sidewalk
With bare feet and a tea
Slide my fingers through your hair
And squeeze your heart deep
Let us be
Let the future swallow me
In a submissive sweet
Defeat
Love is real
Accepting
Love is between more when we’re apart
Than when we meet
Play of the higher shelf
Thin because
Words won’t ever be enough
So try we didn’t
We just are

Bleed, my spouse, bleed
I am here for you
To drink the deceit of your breed
I’m here to carry us
When we finally become empty
Into the sunset
Of the creation we are meant to be
Bear with me
While I brush my teeth
My words are cleaning up
Your silences are ours to keep

-Good day, Sir. – I’m in a rush.

Please let  me  gather strength.
Please don’t
Think I’ve given up.
A challenge as big
Needs time to come full circle.
Faith like yours is hard to find
Seeing it in you
Is why I believe it’s within me too
To embody it as gracefully
I need to trace back mine.

See,

You know better to trust your emotions;
You are made of intuition and purity;
you can’t be arrogant if you tried.

I see you,

You know better than to forget
that I know too, and I know you.
You can’t disprove it if you tried.

Bless me, sleep next to we.
Pretend no more-
And so will I.
Broadening with every second
Of every now and day.

I fly, my love, I fly
And spy on your hived mind
Grace is homeless here,
Arrogance is blind.

This space between us: none of a kind.
Excuses for being foolish you don’t need to find.
For I’ve seen your every room:
Your inner world
Same as/also
Mine

I’ll see you soon,
Until next time
Let’s keep rebuilding.
These broken halves let’s bind
North and South, East and West
I feel your love sublime
And with every brick
On every column
I see more sunshine.

Passage

It’s been a few months now.
I’ve been different.
I’ve been doing things that I didn’t.
I haven’t been seeing the ones I used to.
Apart from my mother.
And my grocer.
The blood oranges have been good.
My obsession with tea has subsided.
I have grown to love new colors.
I incorporate new intonations.
I look away in a different way.
I no longer get intimidated.
Maybe I go red sometimes
Only if I’m admitting it
As a strength
That I was once embarrassed
By a comic comitance.
I use punctuation more
Though I misspell things on purpose even
Cause I think it makes my tweets
More like me-
A bit impulsive
Trusting
Tastefully sloppy
With eyes too open
And chest too big
For someone
Only a quarter of a century old
But my beauty is just the right amount.
If anything
I see it shocks a lot of men
Now more so
That I am the same as my soul
I am the same outside the box
And inside it
My days are still 24 hrs
My nights are better though
Still horny almost always
But turned off by fools
I re-introduced someone I know into my new space
And they vibrate like me now
We sit and drink beer together sometimes
And I tell him about my day
I tell him even the most stupid things
Cause he’s an opposing force
But of the same
Spirit molecule
I love you
He isn’t afraid to say
My days with him are full of numbers
We share cake
Coke
Mistakes
Scratch that
I have reasons to believe we are saints
That we bring our higher states into
This world with grace
I chat a lot of shit
But it’s only appearing thus
For your pineal is calcified
And your eyes maced

I would lie to say if I haven’t broken many hearts
I would lie if I said I have new values
For truth has lead me here by a leash
Strictly
To this page
On this inter net
On this date
In this sleepy half naked state
I needed volume of words
Spoken-written-out
So to myself I can relate

One more piece in
Peace out
Sewing my desire with my faith

BEATING MYSELF UP FOR THE PAIN I’VE CAUSED pt. 1234

Hello olleH
I wish you weren’t here right now
As much as I’d wish you had been here always
When I couldn’t see my breaking strings
My pearly eyes
My boiling veins
Wish you could have showed me
I am perfect
Held up a mirror
To my curly head
So in your eyes I’d see I’m worth it
I wish you were so distant
That I couldn’t ever miss you
I wish these words
Can be sent with missiles
On the soul plane I have as many doves
As on Earth I have issues
With the inability to split my fist in two
The heart’s ego dismissal
Every morning
The ache is close to lethal
The burns and bruises
On my breaking bones from my own pistol
I curl and wish I could cry
Like the ‘normal’ ones do
But I’ve developed a fear of emotions
I can’t be myself since
I’ve been being you
To understand
Where you came from
What you’d gone through
And explain to myself
Why I still feel as I do
After what we’d gone through
Within the distance we’ve been enclosed to
My fake tears drop into the ocean
Of my distorted view
Zoom in, Zoom out
I’m forever in front, beside, behind you
Follow me
I follow you
In this circle
Lies our truth
One I cannot say
For it’s for no one else
But us two

Heritage of a nobody

The depth of my ocean has opened up

Again

Triggered by a memory

My father

In a cardigan

And a loving manner

That I rarely choose to remember

He once again

Hears

Sees

Listens

I thank him in my head

I bully myself

For not missing him

He offers me a drink

Bright green

And falls into his ways

Never again to be seen

It’s not even tomorrow yet

A few hours later I am so awake and so inspired. I am myself again, after almost two weeks of a dreamlike state.  It’s been a lesson. Let me be please

let me believe

in the self

as much as I believe in the lack of it

let me be

still

and empty

To experience all that comes

allow my love to be my earthly vessel

i am the pinnacle

of structure

the best of

 

 

Is everything else always going to feel sour?

I am writing this as to release an old paradigm, as I am my best listener and friend.

It’s been a long time in human timelines. Even more so in the dream time we keep spending together. On the surface nothing shows of what I’m going through. So I’ve been consciously trying to create circumstances that keep my inner knowing at bay so I can continue with my life.

I will always look for what I have already found. In that I have become a liar. I beat myself up for not listening to my heart. How can one fall back to their old ways when the rise was so hard? At times I wish I was never lucky enough. I want to cry but I can’t. I want to kiss like I did but I am physically unable to. I want to float on top of this life fountain and see you on the other side of my mirror like before. It’s been so long to even remember. I am a stranger to myself at that time. And now I am stranger to everyone I know cause I keep waking up and finding a new self every morning.

My body is also slowly changing. My centers are freaking out. On highly energetic days I feel like someone else infiltrating my physical to help me cross the level I’ve reached cause I still swim in my fear of being as powerful as I have realized to be.

And yet, I get there. And convince myself I am alone, still ‘in love with the sadness’ as my mirror used to say. Still lending my vessel to other people’s energy. Still. spending my love in a cacoon cause I have so much to give it scares me to ration it out. And when I emerge a butterfly, my wisdom will fly away with me to my home.

That home is so much stronger than before, it brings me to intangible fears sometimes what absence does. If only words could cover what’s happening I would write them all down. Scatter them across town. Hoping I would be free of my indecisive brain.

I know exactly where to go, what to do and how to. To save lives, mostly my own. Yet I am in my old ways – yearning for the hole that was never filled. The adventure of a lifetime that awaits the one who is free. Beating the same drum, so close to building a new melody and so afraid of my potential reaction to it.

My higher self laughs at my learning process and sends me off to a cabaret of beautiful dancers. One in particular, strongly voiced. I question myself-what is it I want? And I lie, and I lie and I am so surprised of how comfortable it makes me feel. I’ve always been here. Same predicament. Do I stand on this invisible ground or do I dive and become my fears?

And the answer is ‘Yes, everything is always going to feel sour until you mature and your tastebuds change’. To myself, my other self that hides in another body and our spirits, merging.