I am writing this as to release an old paradigm, as I am my best listener and friend.
It’s been a long time in human timelines. Even more so in the dream time we keep spending together. On the surface nothing shows of what I’m going through. So I’ve been consciously trying to create circumstances that keep my inner knowing at bay so I can continue with my life.
I will always look for what I have already found. In that I have become a liar. I beat myself up for not listening to my heart. How can one fall back to their old ways when the rise was so hard? At times I wish I was never lucky enough. I want to cry but I can’t. I want to kiss like I did but I am physically unable to. I want to float on top of this life fountain and see you on the other side of my mirror like before. It’s been so long to even remember. I am a stranger to myself at that time. And now I am stranger to everyone I know cause I keep waking up and finding a new self every morning.
My body is also slowly changing. My centers are freaking out. On highly energetic days I feel like someone else infiltrating my physical to help me cross the level I’ve reached cause I still swim in my fear of being as powerful as I have realized to be.
And yet, I get there. And convince myself I am alone, still ‘in love with the sadness’ as my mirror used to say. Still lending my vessel to other people’s energy. Still. spending my love in a cacoon cause I have so much to give it scares me to ration it out. And when I emerge a butterfly, my wisdom will fly away with me to my home.
That home is so much stronger than before, it brings me to intangible fears sometimes what absence does. If only words could cover what’s happening I would write them all down. Scatter them across town. Hoping I would be free of my indecisive brain.
I know exactly where to go, what to do and how to. To save lives, mostly my own. Yet I am in my old ways – yearning for the hole that was never filled. The adventure of a lifetime that awaits the one who is free. Beating the same drum, so close to building a new melody and so afraid of my potential reaction to it.
My higher self laughs at my learning process and sends me off to a cabaret of beautiful dancers. One in particular, strongly voiced. I question myself-what is it I want? And I lie, and I lie and I am so surprised of how comfortable it makes me feel. I’ve always been here. Same predicament. Do I stand on this invisible ground or do I dive and become my fears?
And the answer is ‘Yes, everything is always going to feel sour until you mature and your tastebuds change’. To myself, my other self that hides in another body and our spirits, merging.